I have spent the last week in a different world. Reality as I knew it ceased to exist and another one took over.... one called Making Movies.
Turns out, making movies and watching movies are as different as centipedes and pudding. One is a passive, usually relaxing activity the other... well lets just say I don't remember the last time I was this tired.
Part of the school curriculum is to have every student write, produce and direct their own short movie. What they don't really tell you is that all of that happens in a very short amount of time. I was assigned to a team of four and all of us had eight days to collectively shoot all of our four short films.
That's a lot of shooting all at once... which would be fine if we had a long period of pre production and could really plan out what we were doing. But we didn't. It was all a little last minute.
Which is why I've only slept about 2 to 4 hours every night for the past eight days. The most epic day was, after only two hours of sleep, I woke up at 4 am and didn't get home again until 3 am the next morning. 23 hours of shooting. It was brutal.
But I've learned so much and I have some strong muscles now from hauling around all that equipment.
Things I've learned
- I can fit under the dashboard of a car with a camera while the seat is occupied by an actor
- lack of sleep makes people communicate like they're cavemen
- M&Ms are a lifesaver on set
- good food late while working 23 hours straight makes the world of difference
- always carry Dramamine while shooting a car scene on a windy road for two days straight
- when your car breaks down after a day of shooting, it could be the oil...
- finding extras can be a real problem... possibly the biggest problem of them all
- acting like you're dead isn't as easy as it sounds
Directing Actors
Saturday, May 12, 2012
It's been a good week. Interesting, hard, fun, lots of work, frustrating and awesome all rolled up into one week. Kind of exhausting to experience all those emotions in five days.
This week was all about directing actors. It was honestly like learning to speak Icelandic or something. I never thought it was so complicated. Let's see if I can explain.
To tell an actor "in this scene you're angry and humiliated because she just insulted you" is to assume how a particular character is responding to the situation. It makes the actor focus on herself.... "Okay, so I'm angry. That's what I'm feeling. I gotta pull out some anger and humiliation... what does that even mean?"
Instead, you paint the picture of the scene and let the actor pull out an honest feeling that they can identify with themselves. Then you have the actor apply an action back to the person who did the insulting. So I would say, "She just insulted you in front of your friend. How do you feel about that? Now... you want to make her pay for that comment. Don't let her get away with it." According to actors, that much more "playable" action and it gets the focus off trying to force a reaction versus really responding to the situation. Does that even make sense?
It's so hard to do! I have such a natural tendency to say, "okay, this line here, just be more happy." But have you ever tried to just be more happy? It's nearly impossible to force an emotion.
So it all makes sense... it just bends my brain a little to direct that way.
Here are a few pics from our shoot yesterday. I was directing for the first time ever. Hooray for firsts!
This week was all about directing actors. It was honestly like learning to speak Icelandic or something. I never thought it was so complicated. Let's see if I can explain.
To tell an actor "in this scene you're angry and humiliated because she just insulted you" is to assume how a particular character is responding to the situation. It makes the actor focus on herself.... "Okay, so I'm angry. That's what I'm feeling. I gotta pull out some anger and humiliation... what does that even mean?"
Instead, you paint the picture of the scene and let the actor pull out an honest feeling that they can identify with themselves. Then you have the actor apply an action back to the person who did the insulting. So I would say, "She just insulted you in front of your friend. How do you feel about that? Now... you want to make her pay for that comment. Don't let her get away with it." According to actors, that much more "playable" action and it gets the focus off trying to force a reaction versus really responding to the situation. Does that even make sense?
It's so hard to do! I have such a natural tendency to say, "okay, this line here, just be more happy." But have you ever tried to just be more happy? It's nearly impossible to force an emotion.
So it all makes sense... it just bends my brain a little to direct that way.
Here are a few pics from our shoot yesterday. I was directing for the first time ever. Hooray for firsts!
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| Our scene was set in a hospital. It was just a little class assignment to practice some stuff we'd been learning in class but it still took us eight hours to do! |
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| Our actors. They were troopers! |
Shredding Stories
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
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| This is where I come up with stories. I have to write them out in order to imagine them. My entire floor was covered this afternoon. I'd post pictures of that but I don't want to give away any of my ideas.... |
I've never had to dissect the art of storytelling before... I mean really shred it apart, nearly obliterate it to it's most elemental parts and pick through the pieces. It feels unnatural, like poking through the brain of a living animal.
This week class is all about screenwriting and we're doing just that; ripping apart the art of telling stories like mad scientists. It's actually ridiculously interesting... (although the teaching style leaves me bored). What I'm discovering is that that to be a good storyteller you probably need to have a really good sense for human behavior and motivation.
I'd go more into it but I can't. I'm exhausted and it's late.
Good night!
School and Pics
Friday, April 27, 2012
I can't believe it's almost Friday again. I think time has literally sped up. I guess it's true that time seems to move slowly when everything is new and then gradually increases speed once you get into the rhythm of things. Pretty soon I'll be writing about my last week of class and telling everyone what I'm up to next.
I've hardly had a moment to spare in this life of mine!
....which I guess isn't really a problem. Being a student is nice in that way. I just do what everyone tells me to do. I show up for class and do whatever is on the agenda to do. I don't have to plan for things, I don't have to be in charge. Sure there's homework and stress over group projects, essays and scripts, but it's a far cry from leading, grading, speaking and teaching. What a nice change!
So what have I been learning? Well, it's all rather dull and boring if you're not into film stuff... but it's interesting to me!
1. Camera's are awesome. I love framing the shot, tracking motion, different angles, pulling focus. I have no clue what I'm doing, of course, but ignorance is a particular kind of bliss... it all looks great to me!
2. Lighting can really make or break a shot.
3. Sound is an entire school course in and of itself. Complicated! It's so hard to record and mix good sound. And to get that "movie quality" sound requires awesome skills in mixing....
4. Working with a team is hard! For every shoot, even if it's just a couple of shots, you need at least one a person on camera, one assistant camera person, a director and the sound guy... at least. And since we're new at all this, chaos usually reigns at least for a while when we're sent out to do an assignment.
Enough of writing! Here are some pictures.
....which I guess isn't really a problem. Being a student is nice in that way. I just do what everyone tells me to do. I show up for class and do whatever is on the agenda to do. I don't have to plan for things, I don't have to be in charge. Sure there's homework and stress over group projects, essays and scripts, but it's a far cry from leading, grading, speaking and teaching. What a nice change!
So what have I been learning? Well, it's all rather dull and boring if you're not into film stuff... but it's interesting to me!
1. Camera's are awesome. I love framing the shot, tracking motion, different angles, pulling focus. I have no clue what I'm doing, of course, but ignorance is a particular kind of bliss... it all looks great to me!
2. Lighting can really make or break a shot.
3. Sound is an entire school course in and of itself. Complicated! It's so hard to record and mix good sound. And to get that "movie quality" sound requires awesome skills in mixing....
4. Working with a team is hard! For every shoot, even if it's just a couple of shots, you need at least one a person on camera, one assistant camera person, a director and the sound guy... at least. And since we're new at all this, chaos usually reigns at least for a while when we're sent out to do an assignment.
Enough of writing! Here are some pictures.
Little me and the big camera. That thing is heavy!
Doing an exercise in three-point lighting.
Me working the sound mixer for a shoot we did last Friday.
My team had an unfortunate time trying to figure out the mixer two days ago. Me and my Thai roomie got bored and decorated our classmate with flowers, while another classmate practiced with the boom.
And this is where I get to go on the weekends to do homework. Hooray for going to school in Hawaii!
And once in a while I go and have adventures, like climbing a 14,000 ft. mountain.
Me and friends jumping on top of Mauna Kea, Hawaii's tallest mountain (and the world's tallest too, if you measure it from where it starts, deep underwater).
And finally, a picture of what I did to my orange when I got antsy in class.
So that's all for now. Next time I'll tell you about how I got talked into and (hopefully) survived, being in a dodge-ball tournament tomorrow.
I have a very healthy fear of getting hit in the head.....
Cockroach to Coconut
Friday, April 13, 2012
What a day.
It all started last night when I dyed my hair almost black. It would have been fine if I had meant to do that... but I didn't. My hair turned out so much darker than the color on the box that I swear some bored high school student must have switched a couple of hair dye bottles in the store. Haha. Funny joke little student. Only I'm not laughing.
It's a 28 wash sort of hair dye so I'm sure it will fade.
Eventually.
Then this morning, this is what greeted me.
Half eaten nasty cockroach with it's legs stretched out in some sort of weird death posture!! EEK!
While I happily snapped it's picture and relished the idea of putting it on instagram, facebook and my blog for all to see and be grossed out, I was oblivious that I had dropped my newly purchased (and not exactly cheap) headphones.
See, a week ago, I accidentally threw out my old headphones when they fell in the trash and got covered up by other stuff. At least that's my theory. Either that or there's a tiny headphone elf that visits people (like the tooth fairy) and steals their headphones. I was convinced they'd turn up somewhere because I rarely lose stuff like that, but they never did.
So today when I discovered that my headphones had gone missing AGAIN I shook my fist at that little elf and went on a rampage to strangle it, or find and recover my headphones. The good news I found my headphones....
Eventually.
The were found by someone near a particular dead cockroach.
Okay. Losing your headphones isn't that big of a deal, but it sort of seemed like one at the time.
A few hours later I struggled through the crowded cafeteria lunch line like a fish swimming upstream and finally made it to an empty seat, food and tray and drink in hand. I slid the tray on the table and then dropped my heavy computer bag on the chair while I was pulling it out, so I could sit.
Cue slow motion.
Instead of my bag dropping nicely onto the chair like it was supposed to, it hit the corner of the tray that was dangling over the edge and launched my food, drink, cup and plate up into the air. My lunch hovered at its apex for a few seconds, orbiting in empty space and looking mysteriously delicious as it did. And then fell to the floor.
I stared at the mess. Everybody stared at it. It was a delightful moment that could only be appreciated with a heavy dose of sarcasm. Great. Wonderful. Just my luck. Of course it happens to me and in front of everyone.
I wandered off to find a broom.....
Two hours later the clerk at the store was checking me out (as in checking my groceries out) when I remembered I wanted to eat ice cream (ice creams makes any day better). I handed ten bucks to my friend, told him to pay while I dashed off to find my creamy, delicious drug of choice.
When I came back my friend handed the money back saying it wasn't enough. Enduring heavy glares from the other shoppers in line, I guiltily added my ice cream to my pile of purchases and dug in my purse for more money.
No, I did not run out of money; that would be the epic ending to this story, but my debit card saved the day. No, what happened was that as I handed the clerk my little plastic card I accidentally turned my wallet upside down and emptied it's contents onto the floor. All those coins I had been saving up to do my laundry rolled everywhere.
Everywhere.
In all directions.
I don't know if I found them all.
Everything about today was sort of fraying at the seams. Unraveling. Thinning. Stretching. Nothing that happened was really major but it's the fact that it kept happening that bothered me. I didn't trust myself not to create disasters everywhere I went.
The good news is that the next place I went was the beach where I did absolutely nothing for a few hours and collected my wits. While I was lying in the sun, listening to the waves crash and doing homework, I saw a coconut wearing sunglasses.
My day immediately improved. I don't know what it was about the coconut (I named her Violet) but there's a hopeful, expectant innocence on her face, like she's seeing something so compelling and amazing that she can't help but look upwards toward it with her entire body.
Then I imagined that she was looking into my tomorrow and seeing something really great waiting for me there. It made me smile. It made me hope and I relaxed ever so slightly.
Yes. Perspective. Today wasn't the end of everything; it's just a moment called now and it will grow, develop and change. There are great things, hard things and possibly delicious things in store for me. And eventually, when tomorrow becomes now and now is yesterday things will be better.
I took a deep breath, giggled at Violet and her silliness, and my day has been much better ever since.
It all started last night when I dyed my hair almost black. It would have been fine if I had meant to do that... but I didn't. My hair turned out so much darker than the color on the box that I swear some bored high school student must have switched a couple of hair dye bottles in the store. Haha. Funny joke little student. Only I'm not laughing.
It's a 28 wash sort of hair dye so I'm sure it will fade.
Eventually.
Then this morning, this is what greeted me.
Half eaten nasty cockroach with it's legs stretched out in some sort of weird death posture!! EEK!
While I happily snapped it's picture and relished the idea of putting it on instagram, facebook and my blog for all to see and be grossed out, I was oblivious that I had dropped my newly purchased (and not exactly cheap) headphones.
See, a week ago, I accidentally threw out my old headphones when they fell in the trash and got covered up by other stuff. At least that's my theory. Either that or there's a tiny headphone elf that visits people (like the tooth fairy) and steals their headphones. I was convinced they'd turn up somewhere because I rarely lose stuff like that, but they never did.
So today when I discovered that my headphones had gone missing AGAIN I shook my fist at that little elf and went on a rampage to strangle it, or find and recover my headphones. The good news I found my headphones....
Eventually.
The were found by someone near a particular dead cockroach.
Okay. Losing your headphones isn't that big of a deal, but it sort of seemed like one at the time.
A few hours later I struggled through the crowded cafeteria lunch line like a fish swimming upstream and finally made it to an empty seat, food and tray and drink in hand. I slid the tray on the table and then dropped my heavy computer bag on the chair while I was pulling it out, so I could sit.
Cue slow motion.
Instead of my bag dropping nicely onto the chair like it was supposed to, it hit the corner of the tray that was dangling over the edge and launched my food, drink, cup and plate up into the air. My lunch hovered at its apex for a few seconds, orbiting in empty space and looking mysteriously delicious as it did. And then fell to the floor.
I stared at the mess. Everybody stared at it. It was a delightful moment that could only be appreciated with a heavy dose of sarcasm. Great. Wonderful. Just my luck. Of course it happens to me and in front of everyone.
I wandered off to find a broom.....
Two hours later the clerk at the store was checking me out (as in checking my groceries out) when I remembered I wanted to eat ice cream (ice creams makes any day better). I handed ten bucks to my friend, told him to pay while I dashed off to find my creamy, delicious drug of choice.
When I came back my friend handed the money back saying it wasn't enough. Enduring heavy glares from the other shoppers in line, I guiltily added my ice cream to my pile of purchases and dug in my purse for more money.
No, I did not run out of money; that would be the epic ending to this story, but my debit card saved the day. No, what happened was that as I handed the clerk my little plastic card I accidentally turned my wallet upside down and emptied it's contents onto the floor. All those coins I had been saving up to do my laundry rolled everywhere.
Everywhere.
In all directions.
I don't know if I found them all.
Everything about today was sort of fraying at the seams. Unraveling. Thinning. Stretching. Nothing that happened was really major but it's the fact that it kept happening that bothered me. I didn't trust myself not to create disasters everywhere I went.
The good news is that the next place I went was the beach where I did absolutely nothing for a few hours and collected my wits. While I was lying in the sun, listening to the waves crash and doing homework, I saw a coconut wearing sunglasses.
My day immediately improved. I don't know what it was about the coconut (I named her Violet) but there's a hopeful, expectant innocence on her face, like she's seeing something so compelling and amazing that she can't help but look upwards toward it with her entire body.
Then I imagined that she was looking into my tomorrow and seeing something really great waiting for me there. It made me smile. It made me hope and I relaxed ever so slightly.
Yes. Perspective. Today wasn't the end of everything; it's just a moment called now and it will grow, develop and change. There are great things, hard things and possibly delicious things in store for me. And eventually, when tomorrow becomes now and now is yesterday things will be better.
I took a deep breath, giggled at Violet and her silliness, and my day has been much better ever since.
A Story
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Our first assignment in film school was to wander out and about, find someone interesting to observe and create a story around it. My story is a bit cliche, but if you're in the mood for a short maybe this will keep you entertained for a while.
Rosemary sighed deeply as she walked across the grassy grounds of the small little oceanside church. Scott, you fat, old geezer, you know how much I hate religion, she thought. If you weren’t dead I’d strangle you right now.
She had already cursed him at least four times this morning. Her frame was frail and she navigated the uneven ground with small, cautious steps. Her billowing white-and-purple dress, specially picked for the occasion, caught in the wind and wrapped around her ankles threatening to trip her.
She scanned the crowd through her over-large sunglasses and pulled her hat down lower over her eyes. Yes, there’s the place, she thought. It was in the back and not easy to get to, but she was determined. Walking slowly through the crowd, she reached the spot and pulled herself up onto the twisted trunk of an old tree bent sideways by years upon years of strong ocean wind.
Rosemary patted the tree as she positioned herself and adjusted her long skirt. You’re probably the only living thing here that’s seen more years than I have, she thought. She smiled melancholically and tried to focus on the Easter Sunday service that was taking place on the spreading lawn of the little church.
But she couldn’t. Her thoughts drifted back to Scott and the handwritten note she had opened four months earlier on January 1st.
Rosemary sighed deeply as she walked across the grassy grounds of the small little oceanside church. Scott, you fat, old geezer, you know how much I hate religion, she thought. If you weren’t dead I’d strangle you right now.
She had already cursed him at least four times this morning. Her frame was frail and she navigated the uneven ground with small, cautious steps. Her billowing white-and-purple dress, specially picked for the occasion, caught in the wind and wrapped around her ankles threatening to trip her.
She scanned the crowd through her over-large sunglasses and pulled her hat down lower over her eyes. Yes, there’s the place, she thought. It was in the back and not easy to get to, but she was determined. Walking slowly through the crowd, she reached the spot and pulled herself up onto the twisted trunk of an old tree bent sideways by years upon years of strong ocean wind.
Rosemary patted the tree as she positioned herself and adjusted her long skirt. You’re probably the only living thing here that’s seen more years than I have, she thought. She smiled melancholically and tried to focus on the Easter Sunday service that was taking place on the spreading lawn of the little church.
But she couldn’t. Her thoughts drifted back to Scott and the handwritten note she had opened four months earlier on January 1st.
My Darling Rosemary,
This will be your eleventh letter from me, and the eleventh year since I last held your hands in mine and told you how much I love you. You know, it’s the small things that get me; your laughter, your eyes, the sound of for voice....
My dear, every year on January first you open a letter from me and every year I send you on an adventure I wish we could have done together. This year isn’t grand. No elephant rides. No trip the arctic to see the polar bears. No rides in a hot air balloon.
You’re not going to like this one very much. I can almost hear you swearing at me now. My wish is for you to go to the Easter Sunday service.
Now stop swearing, put down your cigarette and hear me out. I’m laying on this bed with too much time to think about death but not enough time to live past a few months. What if those preachers we watch on TV are right? What there is something beyond this life? I know how you feel about religion, but maybe you’ll find something special in that Easter service. Maybe you’ll figure out what I haven’t; a way to live forever.
Helping you discover that would be the best gift any husband could give. I hope you find a way, and maybe I can meet you there.
Yours in life and death,
Scott
So here she was, thinking about Scott instead of listening to the preacher. Scott knew she didn’t do religion. Blasted all, he hated religions just as much as she did! But she aways respected his wisdom. He had a bright head on his shoulder and an uncanny understanding of life’s complexities.
Eleven years ago, he was facing death and wondering about life after death. Maybe he was right. If there was any hope to live beyond this reality, maybe she would find it here. Maybe they could be together again. She tucked her billowing skirt under her legs, adjusted her pearls and leaned in, listening to what the young preacher had to say.
The List of Doom
Thursday, March 29, 2012
I'm not your regular ol' "normal" person, but you probably know that. Here's another weird fact to add to all those other weird facts about me.
I've come to realize that to-do lists by their very existence, crossed off or not, causes me stress. I'm not entirely sure why.
Maybe I don't know how to celebrate my successes?
Maybe I'm so free-spirited that the idea of even having a list makes me feel constrained and boxed in?
Maybe I know I'll forget to put something on the list so my brain is constantly scanning for that forgotten item.... and that's exhausting.
I can usually remember 95% of whatever it is I'm supposed to do, but that last 5% will always fall through the cracks. Always. And it's not me being lazy. It's me being me... forgetful, not entirely aware, absorbed in other more exciting things, dreaming about new adventure, living in denial, being intimidated by the thing I'm supposed to do because I don't know how to do it or where to go for help (aka doing my taxes).
Unfortunately it's part of my personality, a weakness that I need to be aware of and therefore try to manage around it. Working harder, trying harder, only makes me stress out more. And stress is a form of worry and that's not okay. So I need to figure out how to work within my visionary strengths, but not forget the details.
Crossing things off to-do lists does not give me much needed stress relief.
Weird.
I've come to realize that to-do lists by their very existence, crossed off or not, causes me stress. I'm not entirely sure why.
Maybe I don't know how to celebrate my successes?
Maybe I'm so free-spirited that the idea of even having a list makes me feel constrained and boxed in?
Maybe I know I'll forget to put something on the list so my brain is constantly scanning for that forgotten item.... and that's exhausting.
I can usually remember 95% of whatever it is I'm supposed to do, but that last 5% will always fall through the cracks. Always. And it's not me being lazy. It's me being me... forgetful, not entirely aware, absorbed in other more exciting things, dreaming about new adventure, living in denial, being intimidated by the thing I'm supposed to do because I don't know how to do it or where to go for help (aka doing my taxes).
Unfortunately it's part of my personality, a weakness that I need to be aware of and therefore try to manage around it. Working harder, trying harder, only makes me stress out more. And stress is a form of worry and that's not okay. So I need to figure out how to work within my visionary strengths, but not forget the details.
Please don't give me detailed stuff to do. I will mess it up and you will be disappointed.
However, I could use a personal assistant.
Anyone?
Personality
Sunday, March 25, 2012
I've been talking to a friend recently about personality types, specifically the Meyers Briggs. I took a little 75 question test and it turns out the ENTP personality type, especially as explained on this website, pretty much sums me up.
I've always had this irresistible pull towards new adventures. I swear airplanes are magnetic... and they're tuned in to my exact brain waves. Mountains, too, call to me from afar as do new cities, new countries, new hobbies, new projects, new places to live, new life purposes and new people (in moderation). And in these new things I see infinite amazing possibilities.
As I push for the new, the old gets left behind. It's not that I don't appreciate or value the old stuff (it could have been the best apartment or job or country...) it's just that the new pulls at me, and I can't help but respond.
Which is all good and fine, except for the fact that the people aren't left exactly left out of the equation. I'm not necessarily off looking for new friends, but I'm prone to seek new experiences regardless of how it will affect people around me... including myself.
This sentence from this website gets me... because I have experienced it again and again.
"ENTP can (because of their desire to seek new experiences) separate themselves from the ground of their life, from the constancy of their friends and family and, without even realizing it, they can easily find themselves in untenable positions where, without support, they wonder why they are suddenly alone and lost."
Ohhh... so all that adventuring leaves me without a support base. I end up on my own and wonder why if feel disconnected, lost, alone and sad. And it's a result of my personality? Hmm. That explains why it keeps happening.
Lame.
It goes on to say that ENTPs can be ignorant of how their actions affect social and interpersonal relationships, often thinking they are "above" or untouched by these silly limiting values. They're just ignorant of the effects which can flow from their often compulsive need for change or to show how individual they are.
Crap. It's true.
Let me tell you, I was the only student in college who rode a Razor to class because it was faster than walking. I was a dork, but I was efficient darn it. And to me, my efficiency made me smarter (and therefore ultimately cooler) than people around me.
Sure, I was made fun of, but I was above my classmates silly judgments that would reduce me to a societal lemming. I was smarter than style, smarter than American culture, smarter than the ad's on TV that told me what to buy and why.
But my efficient "coolness" isolated me in a weird sort of way, even though I thought I was above such petty social rankings. I, no doubt, came across as arrogant and judgmental, out of touch with reality and opinionated.
And I still do it to this day. Did you know I spin fire poi, and love it (who wouldn't love spinning flaming balls of fire around their head)? But contrary to my thinking, sometimes people don't think spinning poi is cool....
Since I can't exactly intuit what will isolate me from my social group, friends and family I have to listen to what people say around me....
So, next time I come asking you if I'm a dork because of this or that, know that it's not out of insecurity... I'm just truly ignorant. And I really do need your help.
At first I was like, "Hooray, this is me! I do these things and they're awesome!" but then, as I read on, I got discouraged.
I've always had this irresistible pull towards new adventures. I swear airplanes are magnetic... and they're tuned in to my exact brain waves. Mountains, too, call to me from afar as do new cities, new countries, new hobbies, new projects, new places to live, new life purposes and new people (in moderation). And in these new things I see infinite amazing possibilities.
As I push for the new, the old gets left behind. It's not that I don't appreciate or value the old stuff (it could have been the best apartment or job or country...) it's just that the new pulls at me, and I can't help but respond.
Which is all good and fine, except for the fact that the people aren't left exactly left out of the equation. I'm not necessarily off looking for new friends, but I'm prone to seek new experiences regardless of how it will affect people around me... including myself.
This sentence from this website gets me... because I have experienced it again and again.
"ENTP can (because of their desire to seek new experiences) separate themselves from the ground of their life, from the constancy of their friends and family and, without even realizing it, they can easily find themselves in untenable positions where, without support, they wonder why they are suddenly alone and lost."
Ohhh... so all that adventuring leaves me without a support base. I end up on my own and wonder why if feel disconnected, lost, alone and sad. And it's a result of my personality? Hmm. That explains why it keeps happening.
Lame.
It goes on to say that ENTPs can be ignorant of how their actions affect social and interpersonal relationships, often thinking they are "above" or untouched by these silly limiting values. They're just ignorant of the effects which can flow from their often compulsive need for change or to show how individual they are.
Crap. It's true.
Sure, I was made fun of, but I was above my classmates silly judgments that would reduce me to a societal lemming. I was smarter than style, smarter than American culture, smarter than the ad's on TV that told me what to buy and why.
But my efficient "coolness" isolated me in a weird sort of way, even though I thought I was above such petty social rankings. I, no doubt, came across as arrogant and judgmental, out of touch with reality and opinionated.
And I still do it to this day. Did you know I spin fire poi, and love it (who wouldn't love spinning flaming balls of fire around their head)? But contrary to my thinking, sometimes people don't think spinning poi is cool....
Since I can't exactly intuit what will isolate me from my social group, friends and family I have to listen to what people say around me....
So, next time I come asking you if I'm a dork because of this or that, know that it's not out of insecurity... I'm just truly ignorant. And I really do need your help.
And if you don't hear from me for weeks or months, it's not because I don't love you. I'm just (too) absorbed with my current adventure. I'll surface soon and realize that I'm alone and I've isolated myself again. I'll kick myself for it and then write you an email or a text.
Loving the Difficult
Friday, March 23, 2012
Yesterday in small group we discussed a particular real-life sticky situation. Unbeknownst to me, a certain man has been attending the group who is a bit, shall we say, difficult. He has mental health issues and a criminal history fueled by his inability to handle anger. I've never met him, but judging from the conversation last night, he's a leech, attaching to one person and sucking all the good-will, care and love right out of them.
He arrived at small group last night angry and toxic, so much so that the leader asked him to leave. He did, but he wasn't happy about it.
The question we discussed last night is one that I've cognitively wrestled with a lot in my interaction with the world.
I'm pretty sure it has something to do with healthy boundaries but I'm not very good at it. Healthy, graceful boundaries. My boundaries are tough, like leather. A situation that forces me to put up boundaries to protect myself from becoming a shriveled up bean pod takes the grace right out of me. I end up being hard, black and white, suspicious and pessimistic. But the only other option is for me to get walked all over.
Since I'm not a fan of being walked all over OR of having tough, leathery boundaries, the option I'm left with is avoidance. Avoid the needy leeches, avoid people with messy lives. I surround myself instead with people who make me feel good, who talk like me and walk like me, who challenge me to be a better person.
And that's not bad... but there needs to be balance. When I encounter needy people the first thing I shouldn't think is how fast I can run away, but instead take a moment to struggle through it.
There's never one right answer and I hate that. I wish someone would give me a foolproof manual on how to love others.
He arrived at small group last night angry and toxic, so much so that the leader asked him to leave. He did, but he wasn't happy about it.
The question we discussed last night is one that I've cognitively wrestled with a lot in my interaction with the world.
How do you love someone who is just fine sucking everything out of you
and leaving you a shriveled up shell?
I'm pretty sure it has something to do with healthy boundaries but I'm not very good at it. Healthy, graceful boundaries. My boundaries are tough, like leather. A situation that forces me to put up boundaries to protect myself from becoming a shriveled up bean pod takes the grace right out of me. I end up being hard, black and white, suspicious and pessimistic. But the only other option is for me to get walked all over.
Since I'm not a fan of being walked all over OR of having tough, leathery boundaries, the option I'm left with is avoidance. Avoid the needy leeches, avoid people with messy lives. I surround myself instead with people who make me feel good, who talk like me and walk like me, who challenge me to be a better person.
And that's not bad... but there needs to be balance. When I encounter needy people the first thing I shouldn't think is how fast I can run away, but instead take a moment to struggle through it.
There's never one right answer and I hate that. I wish someone would give me a foolproof manual on how to love others.
So Much To do
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I've been gone from Portland for two months... much longer than the three weeks I expected. It's nice to be back in my temporary "home" even if it is only for two weeks. The only problem is, I have so much to do in the next few weeks that its starting to stress me out. I don't know where to start!
In order to go to film school I first need to raise seven thousand more dollars (hooray for raising the first $1,000!). That means writing emails, calling people and putting together an info packet so people know what I'm doing and, more importantly, why.
The second thing I need to do (other than buying a plane ticket as soon as I can afford it) is finding somewhere to store all my belongings for up to six months. I would prefer not to pay for a storage unit because they're not cheap... but it may come to that.
This is all very reminiscent of the past. Eight years ago I quit my job working at the international school in Korea so that I could start a ministry to Korean prostitutes.
My future then was so uncertain, so unknown. But what I did know is that my stuff was tying me down and I needed to make myself mobile... and so I dug up all my roots, sold everything I had ran full steam ahead into uncertainty.
That was a strange, wandering season for me. I had an idea of what I wanted to do but I really didn't know how to get there. I floundered for about two years, trying out this and that until I settled on a clear direction.
Sometimes, when you start new things, they don't really make sense at the beginning; there's a lot of wandering, a lot of zigzagging. It's uncomfortable and doesn't look entirely logical. And it can be hard to articulate to people. "I... um... and doing this... and I know it's a little confusing but I think it's the right direction to go but I can't really tell you why...."
And there's always stuff to give up too, like living where you want to live or selling your favorite comfy couch. It's somehow sad to see everything you own reduced to a few cardboard boxes.
Preparation for following your dreams is a leap of faith full of hope for something yet unseen. Yup. That's what it is. And it's nerve wracking.
Don't stress....
The second thing I need to do (other than buying a plane ticket as soon as I can afford it) is finding somewhere to store all my belongings for up to six months. I would prefer not to pay for a storage unit because they're not cheap... but it may come to that.
This is all very reminiscent of the past. Eight years ago I quit my job working at the international school in Korea so that I could start a ministry to Korean prostitutes.
My future then was so uncertain, so unknown. But what I did know is that my stuff was tying me down and I needed to make myself mobile... and so I dug up all my roots, sold everything I had ran full steam ahead into uncertainty.
That was a strange, wandering season for me. I had an idea of what I wanted to do but I really didn't know how to get there. I floundered for about two years, trying out this and that until I settled on a clear direction.
And that direction was raising awareness internationally about human trafficking.
Sometimes, when you start new things, they don't really make sense at the beginning; there's a lot of wandering, a lot of zigzagging. It's uncomfortable and doesn't look entirely logical. And it can be hard to articulate to people. "I... um... and doing this... and I know it's a little confusing but I think it's the right direction to go but I can't really tell you why...."
And there's always stuff to give up too, like living where you want to live or selling your favorite comfy couch. It's somehow sad to see everything you own reduced to a few cardboard boxes.
Preparation for following your dreams is a leap of faith full of hope for something yet unseen. Yup. That's what it is. And it's nerve wracking.
Don't stress....
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